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things that make me happy....

SO there are times in my life when I am less than happy and I have always wanted to write down or record the things in life that make me happy so I have a place to go and remember when I need it. so... here goes

1.listening to fun music can pretty much always make me change my perspective. If only I could somehow go straight to it when I am in a bad mood...
2. getting outside and being active. either taking a walk by myself or playing a group sport. something that takes my mind away from whatever is upsetting me.
3. a funny/ feel good movie.
4. this is bad BUT something sweet to eat. this is probably the root of my unhappiness to begin
with but it does somehow for some reason make me feel better. I want to get away from this.
5. a busy schedule. even tho at the time I will complain and say I dont want to do whatever it is that i have to do but keeping things going and having obligations that I have to fulfill makes me quickly get over whatever it is (and sometimes its unexplainable and for no reason unhappiness)
6. going to the beach. something about the air and the sand and the sound of the ocean really helps me relax

Its hard for me because when I am in a bad mood or depressed I dont want to do any of these things. except maybe number 4 and that is bad bc me being over weight is what fuels the fire for depression. I dont have it alot. but when I am in that state its hard to pull through. I always manage to shake it off but not as fast as I would like to. so hopefully the next time I feel like crap I will come here and read this list and do something to get rid of the bad feelings faster.

cleaning out and decluttering my house

I read a blog recently about a mom who lives a minimalistic life style and how much she enjoys her house being clean and clutter free. That made me think about all the STUFF we have in our house and how it brings me more aggrivation than happiness. Mainly the STUFF consists of 3 little girls clothing, toys and messes that they make. The amount of clothing that these girls have is astounding! Today I am vowing to get into their very messy caotic rooms while they are school (the two older ones) and remove everything that they are not using and maybe even getting rid of things they dont NEED. I am going to take some pics and post them here. I am thinking about having a garage sale later on this month when soccer games are over and hopefully making some money to put into our 10 year anniversary cruise fund. Also we found out recently that we will most likely be moving to Maryland in November. All the more reason to clean out our space! Here I go!!!!

moving forward

Why do I feel like what I am about to write is something I have written and thought about so many times before? Because............. it is. Once again I am having the thoughts about how the last 10 years of my life have flown by like a blur. WOW 10 years! that’s a long time to be in a fog. Here is how it went: I was an 18 year old girl in high school barely going to school , detached , damaged and searching for someone to save me. In comes a beautiful boy from Miami , enlisted in the US Navy, who is also searching for someone to fill some gaps he has. We meet , fall in and out of love a few times and somehow manage to stay together. Next thing I know I am pregnant (still 18) and my mom is planning a make shift wedding without me knowing. (who throws a SURPRISE wedding? is that even legal?) I was engaged but wasn’t thinking about anything other than the baby growing inside me and how the heck I was going to manage. I was told on a Monday that we were getting married on a Friday night in a chapel that this women had in her back yard. I knew I was in love with my then Fiancé and it was the right thing to do. But the actual process and that week in my life is a gigantic blur. Very soon after I had my first born, Hollie and very soon after that came Sept 11. 2001 and the deployment of my new husband for 7 months.That time in my life is also a blur. He returned finally and quickly we had another baby, Sarah. Soon after another 7 month deployment. Then it was time to move. We got orders to Pax River MD. Very far from home and everyone and everything I knew. I welcomed the change because a lot of the reasons why I considered myself damaged came from my home town. That being said, it was still a scary and life changing experience to move far away with 2 young children and a man I hadn’t spent a great deal of time with. The 3 years in MD where all in all good. The first year and half my husband and I got to know each other again. We tried desperately to figure out how this parenting thing works. We met a lot of new people who all had something new to teach us. My husband got a second job and once again, I barely saw him. The money he was bringing in was nice but our connection we were working so hard on establishing was growing weak again. Somewhere in there our 3rd daughter was born, Juliet. MD was a blur.... Finally it was time to move again and my home town had an opening. It was sea duty again which meant that once again he would have to leave for a significant period of time. SO, home we went. I was apprehensive because my relationship with my mom was very rocky at the time and it fueled a lot of my inner battles that went on inside me. None the less I felt like I had grown into someone who could handle things better now than I did before I left. We have been back here for 3 years now. We recently finished the 3rd 7 month deployment of our marriage. Things seem less blurry right now. Although there are still weeks that go by that I cant really say that I am fully aware of. so what is this blurriness? is it a defense mechanism? a way that my brain deals with stress and turmoil? A lack of memory? an excuse? I am not really sure. I just know that I want it to stop. I don’t want to look back at my life and see nothing. I do have fond memories with my girls and special moments that are memorable and stand out. But all in all its hard to find them. I think now and have thought before that I need more purpose in my life. a focus outside of just my family. at the same time I feel like my family deserves all my focus, what little of it there is. yet again, internal battle. I have talked with others who have similar stories to mine who work outside of their home and some wish for my life of solely caring for the kids and family and others utterly enjoy their own life away and then feel refreshed and better able to focus on their family when they are there. I don’t know which one I am. I think a little bit of both. I remember myself as a young teenager, full of dreams and ambition. I remember telling my mom about my dreams and where I wanted to go in life and her just looking back at me with amazement because she would always say that she had no ambition. I haven’t lost my ambition. it has just been misplaced somewhere over the years. lost in the blur. But now that the kids are getting older and more into their own lives (well Juliet is only 3 but she longs for "a big girl school of her own like sisters") my thoughts begin to wonder back to those dreams I once had. They have drastically changed , the more reality I have experienced. But they aren’t dead. Where does that leave me? well I am currently dreaming of nursing school. Something I think I would excel at and the money isn’t bad either. With a new transfer quickly approaching, it is difficult to follow through. My husband just made chief boards! an amazing accomplishment that may or may not drastically change our lives in the near future. We have put in for orders and are due to transfer in November of this year. however if he is selected to become a chief those orders will no longer be valid and our future is all a huge ? again. This is all driving me crazy because I am a very impatient person who wants to know what the next 5 steps are in my life. Right now I know nothing. So that leads me to search for an online school that I can start taking classes now to take up time and make me feel productive and finish up some core classes so that when we DO finally move I can hopefully get into a nursing program. Wow after thinking about and typing all of that I am exhausted! I feel better though just recording all of that so I can move forward!!!!!

Through their eyes...

This morning I awoke to the sound of a blaring beep at 6am. I quickly hit the snooze button and rolled over and then realized that I must get up and shower before our early morning doctor's appointment. I had to take my 2 oldest for two separate things before school. They begrudgingly rolled out of bed and got dressed. Their spirits quickly awakened and they became their usually happy, bubbly selves in no time. They were pretty well behaved during the appointment but loosing their patience with the entire situation by the time we went to stand and wait for our number to be called to get the many prescriptions the Navy pediatrician thought we needed. I tried to entertain them by mimicking the "robot" voice that called out "now serving B301 at window number 3" They all three cracked up laughing when I blurted out "now serving Santa Claus at window number 5" as we were laughing and carrying on an elderly man sitting across from us watching with a grin on his face says "boy you really have a hard time coming to YOU in a few years" I laughed and said what I always say when a comment like this comes my way "I bet your right. I am holding on to the time I have with them now at this age. I am in denial, they will never be teenagers". this got the usual response of a big smug "just you wait" kinda smile. Then his number was called and as he walked away I said "have a great day!" and he smiled and replied "good luck to you miss". I cant count how many times I have been approached by sweet caring older people warning me of this black doom that is coming my way with 3 teenage girls. I have to admit it scares me a little. I know these people are speaking from experience. They usually go on to tell me about how many girls they had and how close in age they were when they were teenagers. They comment on how pretty mine are and how I'd better be careful. When I look at them I can see myself saying the same thing to a young mother years from now as she sits with her children. When I look into their eyes I see a longing for yesterdays. Even tho they are telling me to beware of what is to come, their eyes are saying enjoy it. They sit and watch my 3 and all of their wild laughter and foolishness and say "you really have your hands full" but what they are saying is "my hands feel empty". After that Gentleman left another elderly couple came and sat by us and asked me if I was going to "try for that boy" another comment I get very often. I told them that we are done. Then I made a joke about how my husband got a vasectomy soon after finding out that our third was a girl. That always gets a good laugh. I want to somehow try to remember all the faces and smiles from the people who look at my family and can some how see into our future of drama, boys, rebellion and piercings and hold in my heart the way their eyes light up when they talk about their own children and way they felt raising them. I know that my future is probably painted with all kinds of crazy teenage years with me wanting for it to all be over so I can one day be where they are. I just want to hold on to every moment good or bad and just be grateful having had the experience.